Permission

In order to write the way I want to write, and to put those words out into the world, not hoard them, not hide them, I need permission. I want to write about emotions and experiences, physical experiences, sensual experiences, not just ideas. I want to tell stories about characters who are lusty. Characters who drive too fast, who take risks, who gobble their dessert instead of savoring each bite. Characters who have sex. I have an internal voice, a strong voice, that denies me permission. This voice tells me to be careful about what I publish, to not risk giving the wrong impression, to not risk offending anyone.

Up until now, occasionally I would seek out someone to give me permission to do something not careful, not safe, not boring. Because of the way my mind works, there are certain people from whom I would accept advice and encouragement to take risks, to have adventures, to live less carefully. But only occasionally. Here’s the thing I have figured out: I need to give myself permission. I need to take MY word for it.

I find myself asking how do I find that permissive voice? But when I ask the question in those words, I’ve already lost the game. By asking that way, I’m saying I don’t know, and I’m waiting for the answer to come to me, when the truth is I already do know. I give myself permission not by asking about finding the right voice, but by daring. By being fucking uncomfortable. By writing words that make me cringe, make me curl up in a ball on the couch and feel embarrassed and ashamed and worried I’m going to get in trouble. By telling stories I want to live inside of, stories about characters who take risks and live messy, screwed-up lives, but characters who I am rooting for, who I love and hate. Stories and characters who make me feel.

And then when those words and those stories are out there in the world, and people are reading them, learning to live with the discomfort that generates. Learning to trade the comfort of safety and invisibility for the exhilaration of exposure.